European Institutions to tackle issue of ageing population

BRUSSELS – In order to urgently address the pressing problem of an ageing and declining European population which places an undue strain on European productivity and the pension system, the Commission, after consulting with the European Parliament and the Council, has come up with a revolutionary proposal to tackle this problem at once.

Population growth and decline in Europe

 According to reliable sources within the Commission, the three major European Institutions (Commission, Parliament and Council) are to make it a condition of their stage offer for all new stagiaires to conceive at least one healthy offspring per heterosexual couple during the period of their stage.

To this end, the Commission and the Council will aim to recruit an equal number of male and female stagiares; however should the number of female stagiaires remain above that of their male counterparts, some of the more experienced male stagiaires will be asked, in line with the amended post-Lisbon working procedures, to carry out their duties by way of an inter-institutional trialogue.

As a result of this week's protests, the new initiative should not put any additional burden on any of the young and ambitious stagiaires, as the responsible institutions will seek to provide comprehensive care to the new generation of 'True Europeans'. Commenting on aspects of the original European idea and unique model of European education, Maros Sefcovic, Vice-President of the Commission, wrote to Commission staff that European schools will be an "essential element" in this project and that the additional financing will come not only from the EU budget (which currently stands at around 60% of the total schools budget), but also that the "Member States must play their full role concerning the financing of school infrastructure and the secondment of teachers".

Given the high number of stagiaires enrolling for the stage twice each year (almost 2000 in total), the European population should record a steady increase over the next few years. In line with the Commission's 2020 strategy, this initiative could be gradually rolled out in the Member States, with the aim of catching up with the population growth-rate of Sub-Saharan Africa, which currently leads the UN tables with an overall growth-rate of approximately three per cent.

When asked for a comment a prominent MEP, who wished to remain anonymous, told the European Stagiaires' Journal that during recent Parliament committee debates a group of liberal MEPs came up with an alternative initiative which became known as "Every Hole is a Goal", but this initiative was strongly opposed by Conservative and Christian groups and eventually did not pass a plenary vote on the grounds of public health and morals.

A survey conducted by iADS Consultancy Group and the European Stagiaire's Journal at Place du Luxembourg and Kitty O'Shea's revealed that many current stagiares would welcome such an initiative as an exciting addition to their current duties. Indeed, some of them even admitted that they are already (and often secretly) 'dry-testing' their abilities to deliver.

The HR departments are expecting to implement the new proposal during the Autumn 2011 stage, although a deferral to Spring 2012 may occur, due to the expected surge in applications following the announcement of the intended changes.

L'Avocato*,

DG ANONYMOUS

* About the author: Boring and serious by profession, the author (under various pseudonyms) is a regular contributor to several more or less serious online and printed media, blogs, newspapers and magazines distributed in over 35 countries worldwide.